in which i make a most unusual display

My friend, MH, and I have been on this kick about Pride and Prejudice sequels, which PM was good enough to point out are basically a step above fan fiction. And how right he was! For example, MH recently made the amusing/disturbing discovery that Austen sequels partake in that common fan fiction indulgence: GOING WHERE THE ORIGINAL MEDIUM COULDN’T. Aragorn’s latent homosexuality! Mal and River's May-December romance! Hermione's struggle against cutting!

Apparently, while perusing the Austen-esque (Austenique? Austenapalooza?) selections at her neighborhood B&N, MH found a lovely passage wherein a Bennet sister describes those activities, then traditionally reserved for the wedding night, using words like “member” and “nonny-nonny” which, geez, manage to make me more uncomfortable than the time I watched that episode of Coupling with my mom.*

Which got me to thinking, there MUST be, somewhere out there, in the vast and quickly clogging tubes of the Interweb, some full-fledged Austen Erotica. The Darcys discover oral sex. Jane turns to her chambermaid while Bingley is away on business. Mary gets naughty with the vicar and returns slightly less annoying. It must be out there!

And yet…and yet I cannot bring myself to look for it. Here it is; I’ve finally reached it: the limit of my search engine shame. There are things that should never be typed into that Google box, things you should not even Ask Jeeves. This is one of those things.

* The one where Susan forces Steve to describe, in a reasonable amount of detail, the plot of Lesbian Spank Inferno.