Thursday, December 18, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
mikaydee: so this morning, for no raisin, b minor just came to my hand
AB: no raisin!
mikaydee: it just worked
mikaydee: it was weird
AB: you just made a leap into the next talent-bracket
mikaydee: level up!
AB: but under barack obama's administration
AB: you're going to have to practice twice as much to stay at this level
mikaydee: XP penalty
mikaydee: for success
AB: it's almost marxist
AB: his leveling-up policy is dangerous
mikaydee: well geez, i don't even want to practice any more
mikaydee: i'm going to just set my guitar on fire right now
Thursday, October 30, 2008
MS: I think you're the only one I'm asking
MS: right now I have a 100% yes vote
mikaydee: nice. don't screw it up. representative sampling is for jerks and communists
MS: exactly. and I mean really, representative of what?
mikaydee: not people who suck, that's for sure
MS: right on
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Here, there is almost never water in the atmosphere, so time passes in a manner I would characterize as "allegedly." Case in point, I woke up today and realized that, without anything having apparently changed, I have been at my current job for over a year. I feel as though I walk around in a clueless daze, punctuated by tri-annual trips home where I experience weather for four disconcerting days at a time. Aside from these brief jaunts into and out of the real world, the only thing that keeps me grounded into the seasonal continuum is Starbucks. Absent the brisk chill of an autumn morning, Starbucks will tell me when I should begin to feel holiday cheer. Crunchy scarlet leaves being nowhere to be found, I rely on the regular annual appearance of synthetic pumpkin flavoring, eventually falling by the wayside in favor of bracingly refreshing peppermint mocha, to alert me to the appropriateness of feeling goodwill to all humankind. Until Urban Outfitters had to mess with my head in an attempt to sell more iridescent miniature Christmas trees, that is. At the UO store across the street, it has been Christmas for a good solid three weeks at this point. And because of the aforementioned preternaturally static atmosphere, I have no immediate evidence of the falsity of this misrepresentation. Simply walking down the street past the store gives me momentary starts of anxiety that I failed to pay my November rent, or that I missed my mother's birthday. I feel an exaggerated resentment toward Urban Outfitters, a store I normally patronize quite frequently. And why not? I don't have to be charitable. It's not Christmas yet.
Friday, October 10, 2008
When your stated goal for a task is slightly askew from the norm (e.g. cooking food not for nourishment or satiety, but for the cheap thrill of putting your immortal soul/liberal conscience in jeopardy) it leads you down some dark, dark paths. For example, the path to clamato juice, which Wikipedia describes as "a drink made primarily of reconstituted tomato juice concentrate and reconstituted dried clam broth, with a dash of high fructose corn syrup, and USDA Red 40 to maintain a 'natural' tomato colour." First of all, how do you "dash" something as viscous as high fructose corn syrup? Second of all, how far off the farm have you strayed when clamato juice is maybe the least disgusting way for you to achieve your goal?
Also troublesome is when you consider not including things you know are delicious because they are just not culturally offensive enough. Like lamb:
PM: i love lamb.
mikaydee: me too, but it's like the least offensive meat
PM: yeah, EVERYONE eats lamb
mikaydee: Jesus WAS the lamb.
mikaydee: and I eat him all the time!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
You have exactly one advantage over Amazon.com, and that is the possibility of near instant gratification, of being able to lay your hands on a book or CD or DVD mere hours or even minutes after first desiring it. Of the factors working against you, two are paramount: (1) your inventory is necessarily limited by the physical size of your store; and (2) your retail model requires interaction with another human being. These obstacles being easily mitigated (by posting your inventory online), yet still inexplicably uncorrected, I must adjudge you lazy and incompetent, and what was at first a utilitarian judgment involving the time value of money is now a moral repugnancy toward ever patronizing so lax a market participant ever again. Also, your coffee is subpar.
P.S. Exactly what part of “Designing Social Inquiry” did your employee need me to spell for him?
Thursday, September 11, 2008
- Update the second part ~ The free market has yet to provide a badass desk chair.
- Update the third part ~ Mead might be making a comeback.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
MS: it was based on the BK ad were he claims to be a meatatarian
MS: but is clearly eating bread and cheese
MS: We decided that dairy was an ambiguous classification for food
MS: and should fall into the meat category
MS: but bread was a vegetable
MS: this lead to the man-conundrum
MS: a manly-man eats meat and drinks beer
MS: but this is clearly a contradiction
MS: he should eat steak and drink milk
mikaydee: ha! wow, that is absolutely correct
mikaydee: now, what about mead?
mikaydee: because mead is made from honey
mikaydee: which comes from animals
mikaydee: is mead manly?
MS: I'm going to have to go with yes.
MS: yes it is manly
MS: you just saved men from drinking milk*
*PM later rightly pointed out that, under this schema, manly-men could also drink fermented horse milk, which gets extra man points for being the default drink of the Mongolian mounted hordes.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
- CBS: Super Hadron Collider 1000
- Spike TV: World's Most Extreme Hadron Collider of Death
- Comedy Central: Best F*cking Hadron Collider Ever
- Adult Swim: The Doomsday Device
- Food Network: The Hadron Juicer
- History Channel: Man's Hubris Made Manifest
- Japanese TV: Super Happy Crasher of Hadrons for Maybe Ending Things
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
AB: everything looks so bland and corporate
AB: i was excited til i clicked, i hate you
AB: i resent that that is at once a joke about desk chairs and a mockery of my values
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
So you can imagine how excited I was for the release of DISASTER MOVIE, a movie whose trailer failed to elicit from the audience even a knowing groan, moving well into the territory of "huh?" Sadly, it appears as though DISASTER MOVIE is so bad that critics can't even write a good bad review of it. A cursory survey of Rotten Tomatoes reveals a group of skilled writers so paralyzed with disgust, so resolutely defeated by having to take this movie seriously enough waste the calories required to put pen to paper, that they just gave up. Imagine a movie so qualitatively uninspiring that it fails to even inspire quality derision from people paid, largely, to deride?And then I found this. Apparently, the lack of anything resembling a narrative left most critics with no jumping off point, no discernable skeleton on which to hang their well-deserved scorn. It would be like asking extraterrestrial, interdimensional beings made entirely of energy how the cake tastes. What makes this a bad movie? Who can tell, given how little resemblance it bears to the proverbial movie in the mind of God? Peter Sobczynski neatly gets around this problem by grafting the movie onto his own narrative of hope and despair, weaving together a tale in which a sense of historic purpose and childlike hope is nearly crushed under the weight of a supposed millenial self-awareness gone horribly, horribly wrong. He then bravely and thoroughly dissects the pure suckitude of this movie, like Edward Norton's pathologist in THE PAINTED VEIL, wading around in the crap on the dim hope that the rest of us won't have to suffer in the future. In the process, he reminds us that good writing can lift us up, that good satire does so under the guise of tearing us down, and why we all liked JUNO so much in the first place.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
mikaydee: i've never tried a pomello
mikaydee: i should
mikaydee: although if i've ever learned anything from bad sci fi channel movies, it's that there is a price to be paid for messing with evolution....
MS: yes, great sci-fi movies...
mikaydee: also, black people die first, women are the only people who think about consequences, and cars will explode if a gun shoots anywhere in their general vicinity
MS: 2 out of 3 are true... I'll let you decide which 2
mikaydee: Can I pick 2/3s of each one?
MS: explain how that would work and I'll consider it....
mikaydee: well, i could take the easy way out, and say they are each true 2/3s of the time
mikaydee: but let's go with this:
mikaydee: black people die, women are the only people, cars will explode if a gun shoots
mikaydee: not perfect, i know, but i'm sticking with it
MS: I can go with that. (2/3s of the time would have been rejected...)
MS: Its nice. It drastically alters the previous meaning of what was stated, but stays within the specs.
mikaydee: to have complied, however contrarily, to the letter of the law is my true aspiration
Monday, July 7, 2008
This is all my very long-winded and tangential way of saying that this is an awesome article about tennis written by David Foster Wallace for the New York Times*** that perfectly captures the feel of the only game I have a feel for. Yay for good writing.
*...with your silly cracker pizza. (This isn't a racial slur. It really is like a cracker.)
**Paradoxically, I recoil from the kind of nationalistic fervor that is the stuff of real jingoism, where sports, war, and politics merge into a creepy, bombastic, Leni Riefenstahl-directed montage of pseudo-science and face paint. As far as constructed identities go, I much prefer my very clearly irrational and wholly impotent provincialism to any militant loyalty with an actual nuclear weapon standing behind it.
***...that I was reading in my Lincoln town car on the way to First Presbyterian. Seriously, that has to be the WASPiest thing I've ever written.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
mikaydee: is this a picture of a panda?
YP: not as far as i know
mikaydee: then why is the file called "panda.jpg"?
YP: i think "panda" is just code for "asian"
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
The online box office page had a "how did you hear about us?" drop down menu, and none of the options adequately captured the accurate answer for us, which would have been something like "we live in this city, and we wanted to see an opera, so we googled the name of the city and the word 'opera'....welcome to the 21st Century" or perhaps, "logic dictates that you must exist." We settled on "from a friend."
This experience with poor survey methodology led predictably to the following mikaydee/PM brainchild:The United States Federal Government: How Did You Hear About Us?
- word of mouth
- we strafe bombed your village
- we rebuilt your country following a major world conflict
- from a friend
- you fought a proxy war for us
- you fought a proxy war against us
- we supervised free and fair elections in your country
- we supported a brutal totalitarian kleptocrat in your country
- propaganda [From where? (a) Politburo, (b) Al Jazeera, (c) CIA]
- you were tortured....but not by us* (*we deny any and all knowledge of and/or liability for positive responses)
- you own some of our national debt [How much of our national debt do you own? Enter a number between 0.01 and 9,203,378,381,250.93: $____]
- the internet
Thursday, January 3, 2008
(1) Favorite Palindrome: "reifier"
Well, that was predictable, wasn't it? The best part about accusing people of reifying things is that almost no one is ever actually trying to reify anything, so it's pretty easy to interpret any action that isn't revolutionary in some way as a reification of some status quo. Writing on piece of paper? Reification of the taxonomist oppression of trees by primates!
(2) Favorite Court Filing: Notice of Errata
First of all, love love LOVE non-standard plurals, especially Latin ones. (Sagitarii, represent!) Second of all, enamored of the whole mea-culpa-y nature of noticing one's errors in open court and on the public record, a kind of wussy, yuppie version of ye olde gratuitously public acts of penitence, e.g. hairshirts and self-flagellation. Forgive me Father, for I hath misnumbered mine interrogatoreyes....
(3) Favorite Number: 7.35 x 10^10
The acceleration due to gravity, as measured in furlongs/fortnight squared...yay for archaic things!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
mikaydee: if i ever get bored of my job, maybe I'll apply to the wilson school
YP: what are you going to apply to it?
mikaydee: your face, as hard as humanly possible
YP: sad :-(
mikaydee: yes, you will be